It started the day of my first baby shower...the idea that something was wrong. My besties had arranged the shower at a spa. Mani, pedi and presents. It couldn't get any better. It was like my wedding day or my birtdhay. A day devoted to me. A thrill ran through me.
Celia handed me the first gift. The wrapping was from a local boutique. I ripped the paper away, opened the box to find a mongramed baby blanket. I smiled and gushed and thanked her, but in my mind I felt slighted in some way. Why couldn't she stick to my registery list?
Laura's gift was next. I kenw she had wonderful taste and deep pockets. The wrapping was so ornate I almost felt guilty tearing it. Inside was the baby carseat I had registered for and the matching stroller. It was exactly what I'd asked for. And there was more. Baby outfits from a local boutique. Again exactly what I'd registered for, but again there was sinking disappointment. But I smiled the best I could.
Gift after beautiful gift and eventually, it was turning my stomach to smile and thank people for them. When asked I pretended it was morning sickness but that wasn't it. What had hit me was that not a single gift was for me. All my friends had gotten together and thrown a party and then handed me gifts to open for someone else.
I put it from my mind and listened to my friends tell me that I'd never experienced love like I would experience when I looked at my child. I couldn't wait for that warm and fuzzy feeling they all gushed about. And then the day came and I went in labor.
The whole process was painful and disgusting. People looking at my parts, poking me with needles and the damn epidural barely did a thing. And after all my efforts. All my suffering. The moment she was out, my Randall left my side and went to hers. He chose her. Followed her to the nursery where they would clean her. Didn't he see what all I went through. How could he leave me?
And them my parents came. My always doting parents. The two people who loved me more than anyone and all they could do was coo at that little thing. They passed her back and forth. I was hardly even noticed at all. Never had that happened...EVER.
The days that followed my body was alien to me. Every thing that could leak on it did and nothing was where it used to be all because of that thing that cried and spit and smelled. Always demanding. And again they clamoured around her like she was gold. My husband who'd only had eyes for me couldn't take his eyes off of her.
I decided then and there she wouldn't take him away from me. I'd point out every flaw. Make them all see she wasn't special at all. I was special. I'd always been special. Over time, they'd see her the way I saw her. I'd always been number one. There would be no other.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Why I'm a Romantic
I know not everyone believes as I do. This isn't a post to convince you to think like me. It's more to let you into my head and why I write Supernatural Romance.
First off, I am a romantic. I believe in meant-to-be relationships in real life. I don't consider being married as something that has tied me down but has built me up. Maybe because I'm not jaded. I haven't had much chance to become so and I am grateful to God for that. I met my husbad at age 17 after years of praying about him and he was EXACTLY what God told my heart he would be. Not to say our marriage has been perfect. Marriage is HARD WORK. And it's not a sure thing to last just because you've found THE ONE.
You can have the perfect career, the one you were made for and wreck it by being irrisponsible, childish, or selfish. Happens to actors and musicians all the time. If you find the right person and don't maintain the relationship you most certainly can TRASH IT
I believe Supernatural love is real too. I'm a Christian (The Jesus follower kind, not the politcal, ugly, protest against others kind). I believe that the Bible compares love and marriage to His persuit of each of us. He is enamored with us. Delighted by each of us and is just waiting for that moment we will turn around, face Him, accept His love and love Him back.
I believe marriage is BEAUTIFUL. Not what Bridezillas have made it look like, where all the planning and pain goes into ONE STINKING DAY, but the committment of marriage. Not the temporary marriages people try now. I'm talking about the kind where you choose someone special. Someone who inspires you to be a better version of yourself. You are convinced you are marriage up...meaning someone better than you are, but at the same time he feels the same way about you. And you promise that there will be no one else. That you will guard yourself against that. (Marriage does not make you blind)
That when life gets rough and he starts going bald or work makes him crazy and he comes home in a bad mood, you are not going anywhere. Because you know that's not who he really is. (That doesn't mean you just quietly take it. But NO RUNNING) And when you get hormonal and could win the Queen Bitch award, he's NOT RUNNING either. And if cancer removes a breast, he still loves you. And if an accident puts him in a chair, you don't leave for a healthy person.
That is marriage and it is not the same thing as, let's hang out and see how it goes. Because it's going to get hard and you will want to run at some point. But you don't and you work and you make it beautiful again, but not only is it beautiful, it's stonger than when you started. It's my goal to go to my grave making mine better than the day we got married. I raise my fist in absolute defiance at the world and anyone who comes against this union. If my marriage ends, it will not go down with out a fight.
So that's where I write from. A place where love, romance and the supernatural are all REAL. I just write a fictional version of it.
Here is what I'm reading lately for romantic inspiration
Song of Solomon 4:10-11
"How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue..."
Pretty spicy for the Bible, don't you think? :)
First off, I am a romantic. I believe in meant-to-be relationships in real life. I don't consider being married as something that has tied me down but has built me up. Maybe because I'm not jaded. I haven't had much chance to become so and I am grateful to God for that. I met my husbad at age 17 after years of praying about him and he was EXACTLY what God told my heart he would be. Not to say our marriage has been perfect. Marriage is HARD WORK. And it's not a sure thing to last just because you've found THE ONE.
You can have the perfect career, the one you were made for and wreck it by being irrisponsible, childish, or selfish. Happens to actors and musicians all the time. If you find the right person and don't maintain the relationship you most certainly can TRASH IT
I believe Supernatural love is real too. I'm a Christian (The Jesus follower kind, not the politcal, ugly, protest against others kind). I believe that the Bible compares love and marriage to His persuit of each of us. He is enamored with us. Delighted by each of us and is just waiting for that moment we will turn around, face Him, accept His love and love Him back.
I believe marriage is BEAUTIFUL. Not what Bridezillas have made it look like, where all the planning and pain goes into ONE STINKING DAY, but the committment of marriage. Not the temporary marriages people try now. I'm talking about the kind where you choose someone special. Someone who inspires you to be a better version of yourself. You are convinced you are marriage up...meaning someone better than you are, but at the same time he feels the same way about you. And you promise that there will be no one else. That you will guard yourself against that. (Marriage does not make you blind)
That when life gets rough and he starts going bald or work makes him crazy and he comes home in a bad mood, you are not going anywhere. Because you know that's not who he really is. (That doesn't mean you just quietly take it. But NO RUNNING) And when you get hormonal and could win the Queen Bitch award, he's NOT RUNNING either. And if cancer removes a breast, he still loves you. And if an accident puts him in a chair, you don't leave for a healthy person.
That is marriage and it is not the same thing as, let's hang out and see how it goes. Because it's going to get hard and you will want to run at some point. But you don't and you work and you make it beautiful again, but not only is it beautiful, it's stonger than when you started. It's my goal to go to my grave making mine better than the day we got married. I raise my fist in absolute defiance at the world and anyone who comes against this union. If my marriage ends, it will not go down with out a fight.
So that's where I write from. A place where love, romance and the supernatural are all REAL. I just write a fictional version of it.
Here is what I'm reading lately for romantic inspiration
Song of Solomon 4:10-11
"How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue..."
Pretty spicy for the Bible, don't you think? :)
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