Tuesday, November 22, 2011

In the Mind Heather Scruggs (Holly's Mom)

It started the day of my first baby shower...the idea that something was wrong. My besties had arranged the shower at a spa. Mani, pedi and presents. It couldn't get any better. It was like my wedding day or my birtdhay. A day devoted to me. A thrill ran through me.

Celia handed me the first gift. The wrapping was from a local boutique. I ripped the paper away, opened the box to find a mongramed baby blanket. I smiled and gushed and thanked her, but in my mind I felt slighted in some way. Why couldn't she stick to my registery list?

Laura's gift was next. I kenw she had wonderful taste and deep pockets. The wrapping was so ornate I almost felt guilty tearing it. Inside was the baby carseat I had registered for and the matching stroller. It was exactly what I'd asked for. And there was more. Baby outfits from a local boutique. Again exactly what I'd registered for, but again there was sinking disappointment. But I smiled the best I could.

Gift after beautiful gift and eventually, it was turning my stomach to smile and thank people for them. When asked I pretended it was morning sickness but that wasn't it. What had hit me was that not a single gift was for me. All my friends had gotten together and thrown a party and then handed me gifts to open for someone else.

I put it from my mind and listened to my friends tell me that I'd never experienced love like I would experience when I looked at my child. I couldn't wait for that warm and fuzzy feeling they all gushed about. And then the day came and I went in labor.

The whole process was painful and disgusting. People looking at my parts, poking me with needles and the damn epidural barely did a thing. And after all my efforts. All my suffering. The moment she was out, my Randall left my side and went to hers. He chose her. Followed her to the nursery where they would clean her. Didn't he see what all I went through. How could he leave me?

And them my parents came. My always doting parents. The two people who loved me more than anyone and all they could do was coo at that little thing. They passed her back and forth. I was hardly even noticed at all. Never had that happened...EVER.

The days that followed my body was alien to me. Every thing that could leak on it did and nothing was where it used to be all because of that thing that cried and spit and smelled. Always demanding. And again they clamoured around her like she was gold. My husband who'd only had eyes for me couldn't take his eyes off of her.

I decided then and there she wouldn't take him away from me. I'd point out every flaw. Make them all see she wasn't special at all. I was special. I'd always been special. Over time, they'd see her the way I saw her. I'd always been number one. There would be no other.

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